Six Years Ago Today

I brought my daughter home from the NICU.

One thing that I was never told during pregnancy was how hard it would be to have her and not bring her home with me right away.

Children born too early could stay in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) until their due date. My daughter was born six weeks and three days early. She was born via c-section on Monday at 5:17 pm. But I didn’t get to take her home until three weeks later, on November 18th. Which was way better than the six weeks and three days I thought I would have to wait.

My doctor let me stay in the hospital as long as I could to be with my daughter, but at some point, after any surgery, when the patient is fine, they have to be discharged, and I was, the Friday after I had Aspen Elizabeth Spires, all 3lbs and 12ounces of spit fire that was my daughter.

But leaving the hospital on Friday felt like a betrayal. My betrayal. How could I go home without her? Her bassinet was set up right next to my bed. Yet, there was no one in there. Every morning, as I drove to the hospital to get there in time for her seven am feeding, I secretly hoped she would come home with me. I would stay for six hours, go home, nap, and come back and stay for another four or five. I gave her every bath she received. I feed her almost all her meals. But yet, when I left to get some rest, I left alone.

She was a healthy baby. She didn't even have a heart murmur, which almost all premies have. She was getting vitamins through an I.V. when she was first born, and then she she ripped the IV from her head. She was getting some of her food through a feeding tube, which was taped to her face, which she also ripped off, nine times, while she was there. She was feisty.

Finally, after almost three weeks, the nurse was getting another feeding tube to replace the one Aspen had ripped off, and I said no. “Don’t put that on my daughter until I talk to a doctor.” So I waited for the doctor to make her rounds and asked the best question I have asked to date. “What is medical wrong with my daughter, that I can’t take her home?”

After reviewing her charts, the answer was nothing. Aspen didn’t want to eat on their schedule of every three hours. So I offered to take her home and feed her when she was hungry- like most children get fed. They agreed to switch her to ad lib (feeding when hungry) and said if she gained weight I could do a stay over and take her home the next day. The way the doctor presented the information to me, I am pretty sure I could have demanded to take her home right then, but I waited and did the stay over. And on Monday, November 18th, 2014, I brought home the most precious child in the world.

If I hadn’t had the courage to speak up and follow my instincts, she could have been there for over three more weeks. I could have left feeling empty and staring at that bassinet next to my bed and spent 9–11 hours a day in a hospital for another three weeks.

Not all children are allowed to leave early and many have problems that my daughter didn’t face. But, not all children are the same, and my daughter wasn’t about to be told when she wanted food and when she didn’t. Six years later, she’s the same way. But following my instincts I was able to bring her home. She weighed less than five pounds still, but she gained weight well, and I fed her on her schedule. At four months she was sleeping through the night.

There are points in life that you always remember, and being able to take charge of my daughter’s care was one of mine. Doctors and nurses in the NICU did a wonderful job of taking care of the children. But schedules work for them better than they did for my daughter. And I knew that. Aspen knew it. She tore that feeding tube off her face every chance she got. I often wonder if I had been more assertive if I could have taken her home sooner. But, I’ll take what I got.